Looking back, if a man had sex with another man, that was seen by the general, judgmental public as so transgressive, so taboo that there was no going back. Plus, there was the idea that men who liked men were feminine and wouldn’t appeal to a woman. The reverse was also widely believed: women who loved women were so masculine that no guy would find them sexually viable.
Thankfully, more scientific studies are occurring, and these studies show that there are people who have a fluid sexuality. Cooler yet, we have better language and education that helps people of different identities express their sexuality more accurately. Self-expression is essential, and so is having the correct terminology to help others understand you.
What Does Bisexuality Mean?
People who fall in love with others regardless of gender are bisexual, and they can go back and forth. You may go through years where you are only involved with one gender, but that still doesn’t affect your overall sexual orientation. Some bi people didn’t realize they were bi for a long time. Our culture’s stigma-filled view of bisexuality often forcefully encourages bi folks to confuse their crushes with admiration or jealousy. But, looking back, you can probably tell if what you had with someone was a crush or something utterly unconnected to your sexuality.
Now, let’s take a moment to talk about what bisexuality does not mean, because misconceptions around this sexual orientation abound. Bisexuality does not mean you’ve been with a man and a woman at the same time, and bisexuality does not mean you are interested in threesomes. Bisexuality also does not mean that you cannot be in a monogamous relationship. Lastly, bisexuality does not indicate that you’ve dated or been sexually involved with an exact split of the genders. Your exes could skew one way or the other, and you’d still be bi. All of these ideas have been perpetuated in the past, and yet none of them are true.
Terms like hetero-flexible are okay and may be helpful for some people, but they tend to increase bi-invisibility or bi-erasure. Bi-invisibility is the tendency of our culture to delegitimize or otherwise ignore and disbelieve bisexual folks. The term hetero-flexible suggests a steady diet of hetero sex meals, with maybe a few drunken snacks of sex with the same gender. Hetero-flexible is a fine term to use, but realize that you may be using it so that you don’t have to admit to yourself or anyone else that you are fully bisexual.
Remember: bisexuality is not a choice; no one’s sexuality is a choice. It’s also not a phase that people go through while trying to understand if they are gay or straight. So, let’s cut back on the stigma and increase our acceptance. Everyone is better off that way!
How to Tell If You Are Bi
The way to tell if you are bi is by thinking back through the people who comprised your romantic and sexual interests; are they all the same gender? If so, you’re probably not bi. If not, congratulations, you are bi!
A helpful tool that can aid in your understanding of bisexuality is called the Klein sexuality grid. The Klein sexuality grid was developed in 1978 to better demonstrate the depth and nuance that is often hidden in people’s sexualities. The grid takes into account sexual attraction, behavior, fantasies, emotional preferences, social preferences, and the way you identify in the past, present, and as your ideal self. This chart encompasses the wide range of sexual behaviors that humans engage in—not just the people with whom they’ve experienced sexual activities. You don’t have to have intercourse with someone to be bisexual; you could merely fantasize about it. You don’t have to date a specific gender to be bisexual; you could just be attracted to them. Understanding these different actions that make up our sexualities helps us recognize and appreciate different nuances in our individualities.
What Sex Workers Can Do for Bi-Curious People
As we discussed above, some bi folks have been attracted to people but never had the opportunity to do something about it. If you’re interested in acting on it, you probably want to give it a try with someone who won’t judge you and who can help you through the experience in an educational way. Exploring and experimenting are integral parts of the process toward reaching your potential.
Bisexual women, who perhaps got married at an early age or didn’t realize they were bisexual until later on in life, who want to try out sex with a woman, should consider engaging with a sex worker for the experience. When doing so, they won’t have to worry about contracting an STI, their husband (if they are married) won’t have to worry about jealousy or if we are going to fall in love, and they can pick up tricks of the trade from a professional. You can also be sure that you can access this experience anonymously, and that I will use the utmost discretion. It’s the best possible scenario.
Since I am bisexual, bisexual encounters are one of the services I most enjoy offering. I’m more than willing to go at your speed, and we can stop if at any point you feel uncomfortable. Working with a sex worker gives you control over the experience, so if you’re only interested in a specific activity, we can do that and nothing more. You can come with or without a partner, and your partner can be involved, watch, or not be a part of it. It all depends on how you picture our date in your fantasy. Helping turn someone’s fantasy into a reality is nothing less than life-changing, and it’s so fun to be a part of that experience.