Letting the Divorce Run Its Course
When you get divorced, it’s natural to want to withdraw and embrace the isolation and loneliness. You may begin to doubt yourself. But if you allow this part of the process more time than necessary, you might be suffering needlessly.
Let’s think about all the things that may have changed throughout your marriage: your address, your hobbies, your job, your body, your friends—the list is endless. You may have lost other more intangible things, like your spark, your sharp sense of humor, your quest for adventure, or maybe not—lots of marriages end amicably. If you did lose those things, don’t worry: they just take time to reclaim. But before you become submerged in the list of things you lost, make another mental list of the things you’ve learned. Yes, everyone gains a little bit from their long-term partnerships, and it’s so crucial to take stock of what you’re grateful for, even if it’s just the mistakes that you’ll never make again.
Dwelling too long on the past can impact your physical and mental health. So try to take only as long as you need. Staying in the part of the grieving process where you re-live old arguments can lead to bitterness, which doesn’t benefit you at all. The goal here is to have this relationship-grieving process leave you better than before: more self-aware, more empathetic, and just as willing to be vulnerable with the people who deserve your attention.
Ready for Action
Once you’re fully through the process, you will be ready to consider the possibility of sex again. If you’re still working through the grieving phase, you might have sex motivated by the divorce like revenge sex, lonely sex, or the generally-not-a-great-idea sex. Those types of sex are okay to have, as long as it’s consensual. But eventually, you want to move toward finding a healthy sexuality that is yours as an individual—no longer motivated by negative feelings of divorce, but by positive feelings you have about yourself and your potential partners.
When you’re ready to get back out there, be aware that knowing where to start may be a challenge. Long-term relationships and marriages have a way of distilling sex down to its very essence (because you know what works, which is a good thing!), and that can lead to a comfortable-yet-monotonous routine (because it’s efficient, which is not always a good thing). Leaving the safety of routine behind can be scary.
Getting Back at It
Some divorcees may have married their high-school sweetheart and missed out on time to explore their sexuality before settling into the routine. Others may be coming from sexless marriages, where they hardly remember how to have sex. Happily, sex is a bit like riding a bicycle, and you will remember how natural it can feel. But first, you have to get over the obstacles that your mind creates.
You’ll want to feel like yourself again. Sometimes, trying a new exercise routine like Pilates or yoga can help you remember all the things you like about your body. Maybe try a new hairstyle or adventurous manscaping routine that you’ve always toyed with. The same is true sexually—now is the time to try the things you never had the chance to in your previous relationship. If you’ve fantasized about something you couldn’t bring up in your relationship (like cross-dressing, a foot fetish, BDSM—you name it!), you can safely try those sexual experiences with me.
Post-Divorce Sex Vacation
A post-divorce sex vacation for you might be in order. Working with a sex worker to overcome any feelings of inadequacy or nerves (which can increase performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction) can be so effective in speeding up your divorce recovery. I always listen to my recently divorced clients without judgment, and I have all kinds of ideas for how they can make positive changes that lead to a bright sexual future.
Having your first time post-divorce with a sex worker means you can take some time to remember your sexual identity as an individual and pick up some tips along the way. I can give you ideas for pleasing your future sexual partners in ways that go beyond what you may have experienced during your marriage. And, I’ll make sure you’re as comfortable as possible before we get started. You can tell me anything that you need to get off your chest about your prior relationship; you know your secret is safe with me. We could go on a practice first date so that you remember the charming, fascinating, valuable person that you are.