Throughout history, the female orgasm has taken a long and winding road to legitimacy. Often treated as an afterthought, and frequently considered by scientists to be “without purpose,” it’s no surprise that folks with vulvas and clitorises experience far less sexual satisfaction on average than those who have penises.

The path to sexual pleasure has mirrored women’s path toward freedom, too. Even during medieval times, when women’s orgasm was believed to be necessary for reproduction, it didn’t signal a mass of men learning about the female body’s inner workings. What it did signal was a path to ensure men weren’t convicted of rape if a woman got pregnant (because everyone would assume she orgasmed and, thus, enjoyed the experience). Talk about an all-time low for women’s rights.

It’s hard not to speculate about the articles that would be written about why men orgasm if ejaculation wasn’t an integral part of reproduction. Yet, though this is treated as the answer to why men experience orgasm, it would be interesting to see what percentage of orgasms are indeed contributing to reproduction. But, the scientists are unflagging in their coverage of why women experience orgasm—they have that frontier very well covered.

So, let’s spend some time talking about the exciting part of all of this: the how. How do women orgasm? What are some tactics to try if your partner experiences difficulty orgasming? These are questions a lot of people have, and I’m happy to be able to provide the answers. Luckily, the days of wondering “if” women have orgasms are over, but misinformation is still alive and well due to the extreme lack of factual, accessible sex education in our generation.

Orgasm Math

Let’s take a look at who is statistically most likely to finish during sex. I’ll give you a hint: it’s men. Men of all sexual orientations orgasm more frequently than women, no matter the woman’s sexual orientation. But the number one group of women having orgasms is lesbians. Heterosexual women are the least likely demographic to experience orgasm. There’s a simple reason for this: lesbians don’t try to rely on their penises to get their partner off. We can take the wisdom from the group of women experiencing the most orgasms and help apply it to increase sexual pleasure for all groups of women.

Better Than Sex: Tips for Oral Sex

Not that long ago, oral sex was widely deemed a part of foreplay or a quick pit stop on the way to PenetrationTown. But for many women, oral sex is better than penetration. Oral sex isn’t a warm-up; it’s the finish line. Misinformation about how women experience sex led to the belief that women need a lot of foreplay, which, while true, is misleading. It’s not that women like a lot of foreplay before they can fully enjoy sex; for many women—the majority even—foreplay is the only part where they hover around orgasm.

So, the first step in being a better lover for the people with vulvas in your life is understanding that if you rush through foreplay and oral sex, you’re automatically disqualifying a lot of them from any shot at orgasm. Go slow, and perhaps treat penetration as an afterthought for a change.

What About Penetration?

The truth about penetration is that some women can reach orgasm from it, and some will not. The vast majority of women need clitoral stimulation in addition to penetration to climax—only 18% report that penetration alone is enough. But, for those who love that G-spot stimulation, their sexual partners can still increase sexual pleasure for them.

Changing up the position can increase the stimulation of the G-spot. The G-spot, if you were unfamiliar, isn’t a particular location, but is the area where the clitoral nerves are on the inside of the vulva. Positions that put pressure on this area bring a pleasant feeling of fullness for the lady, and in some cases, can lead to orgasm.

Methods for Female Orgasm

One of the best things you can do if you have a partner who has trouble reaching orgasms is to stay calm, not get frustrated, and keep trying. Clear communication without placing blame is key. But beyond that, be sure to experiment. For all humans, sexual desire and arousal is a mental game primarily. So, be open to new techniques for turn-on, and don’t let yourself stay in a routine for too long.

Beyond keeping an open mind, you’re going to want to do your own research. But don’t worry; this is the most kind of fun research. If your partner has trouble reaching orgasm, you could ask to watch them touch themself. Seeing how they masturbate can be the perfect sneak peek into the kinds of touch that work well. Do they like slow, soft touches? Do they build speed? Do they avoid direct stimulation of the clitoris altogether? Every woman is built differently, and so you’ll need to learn about their turn-ons and best paths of stimulation each time you have a new sexual partner.

Another idea is to try toys. Find out if a dildo can bring her pleasure or if she prefers purely clitoral stimulation with a vibrator. Why not try a butt plug? Trial and error in the bedroom is fun, and not everyone will be into everything. So, if you hit a dead-end, dust yourself off and try something else. Plus, once you find a sex toy that routinely works, you’ll know which type of stimulation is the most reliable path to orgasm.

Next, try different methods of oral sex, and experiment with combining fingering with oral sex. You can play a “hotter, colder,” style game in order to find the most pleasurable rhythms, pressures, and areas on her body. Experimenting with a partner will be fun as long as you are both patient and calm. Try to keep the stakes low to avoid undue mental pressure on yourself; a sense of humor can come in handy, too.

How I Help Women Who Have Trouble Reaching Orgasm

Women and couples often book time with me to solve problems reaching orgasm. You (or your partner) don’t need to be bisexual to benefit from the expertise I’ve gained as an experienced sex worker. Helping people learn to masturbate and reach orgasm for the first time is such a rewarding experience. I can be as involved as you want, and better yet, I can offer a demo. Sex therapists are restrained by very binding standards of treatment which create valuable boundaries. However, it can make progress toward orgasm slower. Since I can watch you masturbate and offer suggestions, help you position your hands, help your partner try new skills, teach them a new foreplay practice, the path between you and your best orgasm becomes very short.

It’s quite common for women to struggle with this. The idea that women could or should orgasm during sex is somewhat new, considering the long history of sex. Sex education that is pleasure-centered still does not exist, so it’s no wonder that couples often find themselves in this situation. Don’t be ashamed of advocating for your own pleasure. If you want help communicating your desires, or identifying them for yourself, I can help guide you along your path to sexual fulfillment.

Let’s Get Started!

Email me at [email protected], and I’d love to work with you on fulfilling your sexual goals.