We’re in the middle of a series discussing how to build sexual anticipation. We’ve already covered using scents and sounds for arousal and how to visually build anticipation, so this week we’re discussing some tips for getting comfortable talking dirty!

Most people think that dirty talk should come naturally. But when you hear what people say in pornography, that might not be exactly what goes through your head while you’re having sex with your partner. Below are some tips on how to get comfortable with your dirty side and how to get started using your mouth in bed.

Minimizing Anxiety

Okay, first thing’s first: everyone feels like their voice sounds silly during dirty talk. You know when you listen to a recording of your voice and your inner critic says, “I hope I don’t really sound like that!” That same inner critic is likely to show up when you try dirty talk, and it will say all sorts of horrible things to you, like you’re not sexy enough for dirty talk or you sound silly when you talk dirty. But here’s the important takeaway: none of these things are true. Anyone can pull off dirty talk.

Tell your inner critic to shut up (out loud, if you need to) and then realize dirty talk sounds just as sexy coming from you as anybody else. Once you make a habit of using dirty talk, it will feel just as natural as anything else you do during sex.

After you’ve gotten rid of your inner critic who thinks that you, specifically, should not dirty talk, you’ll have to deal with everyone’s next fear: what if I say something cringe-worthy? And the truth is, at some point, you might. Sex isn’t like what we see in the movies. Sometimes we do silly things, and that’s okay. Pushing past the idea that you must be “perfect” during sex will help you feel freer to embrace your needs, wants, and desires—as well as the fact that you’re human. Loving yourself anyway is an important part of having the self-esteem you deserve, and the confidence that comes from self-love will help you be better at dirty talk, too!

Consider that dirty talk is a tradeoff: you’re taking the chance that you might say something awkward instead of falling into a boring sex routine. You’re doing something different, which is always a small risk. Be brave! You can do this.

Types of Dirty Talk

Dirty talk doesn’t have to be all f-bombs and euphemisms for your genitals that would make your mother blush. Typically, it’s better if you choose a style of dirty talk that feels authentic to your personality. Then, it won’t seem like such a tonal switch or a performance when you use it with your partner.

You might want to start slow, especially if the prospect of dirty talk makes you a little apprehensive. Perhaps the first time you take your newfound dirty mouth out for a test drive, you sprinkle in your partner’s name more often than usual during sex. That’s a good baby step toward accessing your super-empowered expressive side. Moan more demonstratively if that feels authentic to you. Once you’re comfortable with those types of dirty talk, move on to more advanced styles.

The next type of dirty talk is instruction. This is one of my favorite types of dirty talk because it benefits your partner (by turning them on) and it benefits you as well (by letting your partner know what you like). When you and your partner are alone and things are getting intimate, start by saying “kiss me” or “I want you.” This will get your feet wet. As you get bolder, let them know when they have the right angle, or offer gentle encouragement to go “harder,” “faster,” or even “slower and softer.”

Other types of dirty talk include describing what’s happening or sharing a fantasy together. Try whatever feels most comfortable at first, and then keep trying them until you’ve engaged in all the types of dirty talk.

Your Tone of Voice

Your voice changes a little bit during sex. For instance, it may become breathier as you get close to orgasm, or it might be quieter if your mouth is right next to your partner’s ear. You can play with differences in your voice during dirty talk as well. It might be fun to growl a little if you feel like channeling your inner animal during sex. Or maybe you like to speak clearly and directly, to embody your inner disciplinarian. Try a few different options when you’re alone and see what feels most natural or sexy.

Timing Dirty Talk

Dirty talk doesn’t need to start during sex. In fact, it’s often better if it starts well before sex. If you want your partner to look forward to having sex with you all day long, you might want to send them a naughty voice message that they receive at work to distract them until you can be together again. Or if you’re on a date, you could lean over during dinner to whisper in their ear something you’d like to do to them later. This is a great way to use dirty talk not only to enhance sex but also to build anticipation before sex.

Talk Dirty to Me

If you want to practice dirty talk with me, you can reach me at [email protected].